The table is set, and for the first time in the Grill Room's short but storied history, the top two teams in our NFL 100-PROOF RANKINGSare bubbling over and ready to uncork what they've been bottling in order to see which team is made of the strongest stuff.
And though it's oh-so tempting to continue pouring out an endless stream of metaphors to set up what's on tap in this 100-proof matchup, we'll just call for the tab, and point out how appropriate it is that the showdown between the No. 1 Giants and No. 2 Saints is in New Orleans.
Let's pop the keg on this baby already! Er, sorry...
Prost! THE STRONG STUFF
1 (1) N.Y. Giants(99 proof, 5-0) Nobody plays the the Rodney Dangerfield card better than this club. Saints should beware of falling chips as Giants shoulder rough-and-tumble burden of getting so little respect.
2 (2) New Orleans(96 proof, 4-0) Beat back Buddy boy's Jets two weeks ago, but N.J.'s varsity squad visits Sunday.
3 (3) Indianapolis (95 proof, 5-0) Quick, besides Reggie Wayne name another Colt WR. That's what we figured. No matter, Peyton could throw to John Wayne and put up monster numbers.
4 (4) Minnesota(94 proof, 5-0) For the first time in decades, the Vikes are beginning to look like a squad you can trust week in and week out -- except for the 40-year-old QB, what's-his-name. Beware the hamstring...
WORTH A SHOT
5 (7) Philadelphia (88 proof, 3-1) Visit Oakland this week, and will try to duck in a football game if they can find an NFL club out there.
6 (10) Atlanta(87 proof, 3-1) Whoa! That was some very strong stuff the Falcons laid on Mike's 49ers Sunday. Coach Singletary not only blinked, he flinched.
8 (11) Denver (83 proof, 5-0) Broncos' McDaniels out-coaches protege Belichick, then celebrates like one of his children. How adorable.
9 (5) New England(82 proof, 3-2) Brady is missing more open guys than Barney Frank.
10 (14) Cincinnati (80 proof, 4-1) Bengals one Bronco miracle win from being 5-0, three nail-biters from being 1-4, but we're pouring this one half-full in the Grill Room, because...
11 (6) Baltimore(78 proof, 3-2) ...the proud Ravens were knocked flat on their backs by RB Benson and the Bengals. Will taste real ground beef in Adrian Peterson this week.
12 (12) Chicago(75 proof, 3-1) Better buckle their chin straps extra tight for road tilt against Atlanta Sunday.
13 (8) San Francisco(74 proof, 3-2) Get a bye week to lick their wounds after being a serious victim of 'roll reversal' in 45-10 pounding at hands of Falcons.
WATERED DOWN
14 (13) N.Y. Jets (72 proof, 3-2) Their two-game skid was all so predictable for these big-talking bullies. Unfortunately, games coming up against the pathetic Bills and Raiders will only bring on laryngitis.
15 (16) San Diego(71 proof, 2-2) We'll say the team that Norv built will hand Denver its first loss when it comes visiting Monday night.
16 (21) Miami (70 proof, 2-3) OK, this is getting freaky. Not only does the Dolphins' coach have a name that sounds like Tony Soprano, he dresses like him! Did you see that outfit Monday night?! Fageddaboudit...
17 (20) Arizona(68 proof, 2-2) Last week we said: Took the bye week to decide whether to just quit, relax and enjoy the sun, or play on. They get one more week to make up their stinkin' minds.
CHEAP STUFF
18 (19) Green Bay(62 proof, 2-2) Hopefully they used the week off to shop for a real offensive line.
19 (19) Dallas(57 proof, 3-2) Dallas wins, yet there are calls outside the palace walls for the coach's head. King Jones says he is not stepping down anytime soon, though.
20 (17) Houston (55 proof, 2-3) Go ahead, make a prediction of what this yo-yo team is going to do against Cincinnati Sunday. I dare ya.
21 (25) Seattle (50 proof, 2-3) Wow, after being dismantled by Seahawks Sunday, the battered Jaguars were forced to watch the movie "Mora, Mora, Mora" on flight home.
ROT GUT
22 (16) Jacksonville (45 proof, 2-3) How bad is it when a team loses 41-0 and could still beat the 10 teams below it?
23 (23) Carolina (43 proof, 1-3) With upcoming games against Tampa Bay and Buffalo, the Panthers are on their way to becoming the worst 3-3 team in football.
24 (27) Detroit (38 proof, 1-4) Things are so bad in the Motor City, the Lions are actually considered progress.
25 (22) Washington(33 proof, 2-3) Whoops! When the Redskins beat the Chiefs Sunday, they will be the first worst 3-3 team in football. Sorry, Carolina.
26 (28) Cleveland (30 proof, 1-4) Word is Brady Quinn sold his house in Cleveland. Maybe he's not as stupid as we thought.
27 (24) Tennessee (27 proof, 0-5) What's that about it always being better to trade players a year too early than a year too late?
28 (26) Buffalo (25 proof, 1-4) You wouldn't trust Dick Jauron running water out to your Pop Warner team.
29 (29) Tampa Bay (23 proof, 0-5) Quick, name the Bucs' coach. Gotcha didn't we?
30 (30) Oakland (20 proof, 1-4) Coach Cable has finally resorted to beating himself up for this mess.
31 (31) Kansas City (19 proof, 0-5) Took the Cowboys to overtime yet never had a chance.
32 (32) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-5) Has a better than 50/50 shot at 0-16.
The last thing I really remember is that a bunch of us were gathered around the big screen in the Grill Room last night to watch the overrated Broncos of Kyle Orton take their licks against the vaunted Patriots of Tom Terrific.
Then, I guess, things got kind of blurry...
OK, I confess, we were pretty generous with the juice last night, but after the last shot was fired, I could have sworn I watched out of the corner of my open eye, as the Broncos kicked their way to an overtime win.
But that can't be right, can it?
Because aside from the fact that it would have meant the pupil, McDaniels, had schooled the master, Belichick...And aside from the fact that it would have meant the oh-so-average Orton had outplayed the oh-so-superior Brady...And even aside from the fact that a win would have moved the Broncos to a perfect 5-0...
Aside from all that... The biggest single reason I am having trouble believing what I think I saw, is that the Broncos did all this improbable stuff playing in their pajamas!
Maybe I should lay off the sauce for a while.
Now onto a sampling of what the nation's sportswriters and columnists are saying about their football teams across every NFL city, because in the Grill Room we love the newspaper business, even if it hates itself. (14) Cincinnati 17 (6) Baltimore 14
Well, what can we tell ya, folks? We're pretty proud we can call God a regular at the Grill Room. He's well-behaved, a good tipper, drinks only the best stuff, keeps the clientele buzzing with some mind-boggling card tricks, and is patient answering the questions our bartenders often tire of.
Last week, when we asked Him why He hated Michigan, The Big Guy took offense and then pity. Why, He not only saw to it that the Lions ended their 19-game losing streak, but also made sure the most corrupt city in the world was punished for its evil ways. By sending Washington's team to ingloriously fall at the feet of the lousy Lions, He illustrated with a master's stroke that sometimes punishment can reap rewards.
So, with God at our side, we are looking for more answers around here as Week 4 of the NFL season gets set to unfold.
Answers to stuff like... Do teams really need a break after playing all of three games? Here's why we're asking: Because Philly, Arizona, Atlanta, and Carolina get a day off this weekend. This makes the hours Congress works seem strenuous.If the NFL is intent on this silly 17-week schedule, at least move the first byes back a few weeks, so all the teams can benefit from some time off toward the middle of the year. As it is now, bye weeks end after Week 10. If there is sense in this, we are missing it. But how 'bout just getting rid of the bye weeks altogether.
Isn't Broncos' rookie head coach Josh McDaniels owed an apology? Here's why we're asking: Because after getting tarred and feathered for dumping cry-baby QB Jay Cutler, putting big-mouth WR Brandon Marshall in timeout, and for having the stones to do things his own way despite following Mile-High legend Mike Shanahan, McDaniels has his team off to a 3-0 start. And get this, the Patriots' former offensive coordinator has a defense that has given up a total of 16 points this year! So what if their next eight games look like this:Cowboys, Patriots, Chargers, Ravens, Steelers, Redskins, Chargers, and Giants. Um, er, whoa? On second thought, maybe we should have waited to ask this question...
Did Nike shareholders almost have a collective heart attack this week? Here's why we're asking: Because on Wednesday, Michael Vick's handlers, otherwise known as agents, announced that their client had struck a new deal with Nike. By Thursday, and faster than you can spell PETA, Nike made it clear that they, in fact, did not have a contractual relationship with the Eagles' QB, who has returned to the league this year after serving 18 months in prison for running a dog-fighting operation. Nike said it is only providing shoes to Vick. Wonder what the agent's cut is...
Take your pick
For informational purposes only...some picks for Week 3 action around the NFLbrought to you by folks who most likely know as much about the game as you do: ESPN YAHOO! CBS SportsCNN/SI NBC SportingNews LA Times AP
This Week's Grill Room NFL 100-PROOF lock:San Francisco over St. Louis, minus-9.5 Last week we got plum angry and made a peach of pick when the Eagles thrashed the Chiefs to get us (and you) back on the winning side of the ledger.We've calmed down a bit around here, but we're guessing one of our favorite coaches in the league, Mike Singletary, hasn't after getting Favre-d last week in Minnesota. Mike handled the whole thing eerily well right after the game, though we have it on good word that Singletary later set off the smoke alarm on the plane during the flight back to San Francisco when his hair spontaneously combusted when watching game film.
Good thing for Singletary's No. 9 San Franciscans that the sacrificial Rams will be delivered on a skewer to the Bay Area this weekend -- especially with RB Frank Gore sidelined with a bad ankle (see below). Look for the 49er defense to snuff out the 30th-ranked Ram's only offensive threat, RB Steven Jackson, and roll big over a team that's averaging all of eights point a game this year.
We'll say, 31-10, but, as always, Coach Mike will have the final say.
(Season record: 2-1)
Tape it up
If you are wondering how your favorite nicked-up player is progressing, go here.
Speaking of Favre, it took the 39-year-old QB three weeks to make the Vikes' injury report. This will be a constant until he is finally knocked out, and onto, the inactive list. No way the guy goes all 16 games this year.
At least the 49ers will be kind enough to serve the Rams Coffee while they are battering them all over the field Sunday.
TV Time If you can't stop by the Grill Room, here's the college and pro football fare that's cooking on the tube this weekend: (For our U.S. military viewers and their families overseas the games American Forces Network will be showing are in bold.)
COLLEGE:
Friday, Oct. 2 Pittsburgh at Louisville, 8 p.m., ESPN2 Utah State at BYU, 9p.m., Mtn.
Saturday, Oct. 3 Wisconsin at Minnesota, Noon, ESPN Alabama at Kentucky, Noon, SEC Network Arkansas State at Iowa, Noon, ESPN2 Michigan at Michigan State, Noon, Big Ten Network Northwestern at Purdue, Noon, Big Ten Network Clemson at Maryland, Noon, ESPNU East Carolina at Marshall, Noon, CBS CSN Washington at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC LSU at Georgia, 3:30 p.m., CBS Penn State at Illinois, 3:30 p.m., ABC Florida State at Boston College, 3:30 p.m., ABC UCLA at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., ABC North Carolina State at Wake Forest, 3:30 p.m., ESPNU New Mexico at Texas Tech, 3:30 p.m., FSN Air Force at Navy, 3:30 p.m., CBS CSN Mississippi at Vanderbilt, 7 p.m., ESPNU Ohio State at Indiana, 7 p.m., Big Ten Network Texas A&M at Arkansas, 7:30 p.m., ESPN2 Tulsa at Rice, 7:30 p.m., CBS CSN Auburn at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN Oklahoma at Miami, 8 p.m., ABC USC at California, 8 p.m., ABC SMU at TCU, 8 p.m., Mtn. Colorado State at Idaho, 10:30 p.m., ESPNU
NFL:
Sunday Oct. 4 (Byes: Arizona Atlanta Carolina Philadelphia) Detroit at Chicago 1 p.m., FOX Cincinnati at Cleveland 1 p.m., CBS Oakland at Houston 1 p.m., CBS Seattle at Indianapolis 1 p.m., FOX Tennessee at Jacksonville 1 p.m., CBS N.Y. Giants at Kansas City 1 p.m., FOX Baltimore at New England 1 p.m., CBS Tampa Bay at Washington 1 p.m., FOX Buffalo at Miami 4:05 p.m., CBS N.Y. Jets at New Orleans 4:05 p.m., CBS Dallas at Denver 4:15 p.m., FOX St. Louis at San Francisco 4:15 p.m., FOX San Diego at Pittsburgh 8:20 p.m., NBC
Monday, Oct. 5 Green Bay at Minnesota 8:30 p.m., ESPN (All times EST) (Detroit Free Press, photo)
