Showdown Sunday in New Orleans

The table is set, and for the first time in the Grill Room's short but storied history, the top two teams in our NFL 100-PROOF RANKINGS are bubbling over and ready to uncork what they've been bottling in order to see which team is made of the strongest stuff.

And though it's oh-so tempting to continue pouring out an endless stream of metaphors to set up what's on tap in this 100-proof matchup, we'll just call for the tab, and point out how appropriate it is that the showdown between the No. 1 Giants and No. 2 Saints is in New Orleans.

Let's pop the keg on this baby already! Er, sorry...

Prost!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1 (1) N.Y. Giants (99 proof, 5-0) Nobody plays the the Rodney Dangerfield card better than this club. Saints should beware of falling chips as Giants shoulder rough-and-tumble burden of getting so little respect.
• 2 (2) New Orleans (96 proof, 4-0) Beat back Buddy boy's Jets two weeks ago, but N.J.'s varsity squad visits Sunday.
• 3 (3) Indianapolis (95 proof, 5-0) Quick, besides Reggie Wayne name another Colt WR. That's what we figured. No matter, Peyton could throw to John Wayne and put up monster numbers.
• 4 (4) Minnesota (94 proof, 5-0) For the first time in decades, the Vikes are beginning to look like a squad you can trust week in and week out -- except for the 40-year-old QB, what's-his-name. Beware the hamstring...
  

WORTH A SHOT

• 5 (7) Philadelphia (88 proof, 3-1) Visit Oakland this week, and will try to duck in a football game if they can find an NFL club out there.
• 6 (10) Atlanta (87 proof, 3-1) Whoa! That was some very strong stuff the Falcons laid on Mike's 49ers Sunday. Coach Singletary not only blinked, he flinched.
  
• 7 (9) Pittsburgh (85 proof, 3-2) Polamalu, Parker practicing picture-perfect for Pittsburgh. Sorry.
• 8 (11) Denver (83 proof, 5-0) Broncos' McDaniels out-coaches protege Belichick, then celebrates like one of his children. How adorable.
  
• 9 (5) New England (82 proof, 3-2) Brady is missing more open guys than Barney Frank.
• 10 (14) Cincinnati (80 proof, 4-1) Bengals one Bronco miracle win from being 5-0, three nail-biters from being 1-4, but we're pouring this one half-full in the Grill Room, because...
  
• 11 (6) Baltimore (78 proof, 3-2) ...the proud Ravens were knocked flat on their backs by RB Benson and the Bengals. Will taste real ground beef in Adrian Peterson this week.
  
• 12 (12) Chicago (75 proof, 3-1) Better buckle their chin straps extra tight for road tilt against Atlanta Sunday.
• 13 (8) San Francisco (74 proof, 3-2) Get a bye week to lick their wounds after being a serious victim of 'roll reversal' in 45-10 pounding at hands of Falcons.

WATERED DOWN

• 14 (13) N.Y. Jets (72 proof, 3-2) Their two-game skid was all so predictable for these big-talking bullies. Unfortunately, games coming up against the pathetic Bills and Raiders will only bring on laryngitis.
• 15 (16) San Diego (71 proof, 2-2) We'll say the team that Norv built will hand Denver its first loss when it comes visiting Monday night.
• 16 (21) Miami (70 proof, 2-3) OK, this is getting freaky. Not only does the Dolphins' coach have a name that sounds like Tony Soprano, he dresses like him! Did you see that outfit Monday night?! Fageddaboudit...
  
• 17 (20) Arizona (68 proof, 2-2) Last week we said: Took the bye week to decide whether to just quit, relax and enjoy the sun, or play on. They get one more week to make up their stinkin' minds.
  

CHEAP STUFF

• 18 (19) Green Bay (62 proof, 2-2) Hopefully they used the week off to shop for a real offensive line.
  
• 19 (19) Dallas (57 proof, 3-2) Dallas wins, yet there are calls outside the palace walls for the coach's head. King Jones says he is not stepping down anytime soon, though.
  
• 20 (17) Houston (55 proof, 2-3) Go ahead, make a prediction of what this yo-yo team is going to do against Cincinnati Sunday. I dare ya.
• 21 (25) Seattle (50 proof, 2-3) Wow, after being dismantled by Seahawks Sunday, the battered Jaguars were forced to watch the movie "Mora, Mora, Mora" on flight home.

ROT GUT

• 22 (16) Jacksonville (45 proof, 2-3) How bad is it when a team loses 41-0 and could still beat the 10 teams below it?
• 23 (23) Carolina (43 proof, 1-3) With upcoming games against Tampa Bay and Buffalo, the Panthers are on their way to becoming the worst 3-3 team in football.
• 24 (27) Detroit (38 proof, 1-4) Things are so bad in the Motor City, the Lions are actually considered progress.
• 25 (22) Washington (33 proof, 2-3) Whoops! When the Redskins beat the Chiefs Sunday, they will be the first worst 3-3 team in football. Sorry, Carolina.
  
• 26 (28) Cleveland (30 proof, 1-4) Word is Brady Quinn sold his house in Cleveland. Maybe he's not as stupid as we thought.
• 27 (24) Tennessee (27 proof, 0-5) What's that about it always being better to trade players a year too early than a year too late?
• 28 (26) Buffalo (25 proof, 1-4) You wouldn't trust Dick Jauron running water out to your Pop Warner team.
  
• 29 (29) Tampa Bay (23 proof, 0-5) Quick, name the Bucs' coach. Gotcha didn't we?
• 30 (30) Oakland (20 proof, 1-4) Coach Cable has finally resorted to beating himself up for this mess.
• 31 (31) Kansas City (19 proof, 0-5) Took the Cowboys to overtime yet never had a chance.
  
• 32 (32) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-5) Has a better than 50/50 shot at 0-16.

(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.

Maybe it's best you don't drink here

We try to run a respectable joint around here. Really.
But hold your nose and take a look at all the sorry teams that have stumbled toward the end of the NFL 100-proof rankings, and are already pulling on the rot gut this year.
For cripes sake, we count 11 of 'em!

Good golly, is Jeff Fisher's team really hanging with that gang? Is that John Fox's squad we see down there spilling all over itself? And isn't it a shame the younger Mora is taking after his under-achieving dad?
Hey, Wade, what are you doing down there?! Stay away from those boys, you'll get there soon enough.

Man, has there ever been this many down-and-outters drinking the loser's hooch so early in the season? Can anybody possibly make the case that any of these sorry suckers will pick themselves up off the floor and turn their fortunes around over the next three months?

Yeah...didn't think so.

Oh well, drink up, boys. It's gonna be a long season.

Prost!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1 (1) N.Y. Giants (99 proof, 4-0) These dudes are so reliable on the road they've ditched their AAA policy and that ridiculously expensive N.J. car insurance.
  
• 2 (3) New Orleans (96 proof, 4-0) Get a week off and await the No. 1 road warriors, in what will be the Game of the Year, Part I of the 2009 season.
• 3 (4) Indianapolis (95 proof, 4-0) OK, last week we mentioned that Peyton Manning is the best player in the NFL right now. Any questions?
• 4 (5) Minnesota (92 proof, 4-0) Forget Brett Favre for a minute, PLEASE! If Minnesota makes a deep run this year, it will do so on the heels of its nasty defense.
• 5 (8) New England (89 proof, 3-1) Like a good Scotch whiskey, this team perseveres.
• 6 (2) Baltimore (88 proof, 3-1) Didn't see anything Sunday against the Patsies that has us believing any less in this team. Ray Rice is running toward stardom.

WORTH A SHOT

• 7 (7) Philadelphia (85 proof, 2-1) Endured silly Week 4 bye laughing at rival Redskins as they almost choked against a Bucs team they will swallow whole on Sunday.
• 8 (9) San Francisco (84 proof, 3-1) Rams are still picking themselves up off the field, after this angry bunch took out their frustrations on St. Losers following tough loss to Vikes.
• 9 (16) Pittsburgh (82 proof, 2-2) OK, for the last time, we rank teams based on what they would do against another team on a neutral field. Think any squad below them beats the Steelers on that field? Didn't think so, Broncos fans.
• 10 (11) Atlanta (81 proof, 2-1) Spent bye week making sure their fillings were tight for game of the day Sunday against Iron Mike's 49ers.
• 11 (17) Denver (78 proof, 4-0) They aren't what their record says they are, but they are getting closer.
• 12 (12) Chicago (75 proof, 3-1) Had their hands full at home against Lions for one half, but did what good teams do in the second half and pulled away.
• 13 (6) N.Y. Jets (74 proof, 3-1) Sanchez might become a very good NFL QB, but he will be the reason Buddy boy's team doesn't go farther this year.
• 14 (13) Cincinnati (71 proof, 3-1) Cincinnati has never, ever been good enough to play with the fire they have been playing with this year. Call the burn unit.
  

WATERED DOWN

• 15 (10) San Diego (68 proof, 2-2) Norv is right, his team is overrated. And Norv knows overrated.
• 16 (21) Jacksonville (65 proof, 2-2) The Jaguars are one of the few teams on the rise. Too bad their fans could care less.
• 17 (22) Houston (62 proof, 2-2) Houston is one of many teams that takes an inconsistent approach to the season.

CHEAP STUFF

• 18 (14) Dallas (59 proof, 2-2) Jerry Jones is the owner. Wade Phillips is the coach. Tony Romo is the QB. Nah, this sinking team doesn't need a general manager...
  
• 19 (15) Green Bay (57 proof, 2-2) Yes, the offensive line is a complete embarrassment, but Rodgers holds the ball too long. What did all the 'experts' see in this team before the season?
• 20 (20) Arizona (54 proof, 1-2) Took the bye week to decide whether to just quit, relax and enjoy the sun, or play on.
• 21 (26) Miami (50 proof, 1-3) Season will be on the line when they host the Jets Monday night.

ROT GUT

• 22 (27) Washington (36 proof, 2-2) It's so bad at this end of the bar that you get credit for beating the Bucs at home by 3.
  
• 23 (24) Carolina (35 proof, 0-3) Took the bye week to give thanks that the Redskins come to town this Sunday.
• 24 (19) Tennessee (33 proof, 0-4) Who are these guys?
  
• 25 (18) Seattle (30 proof, 1-3) When he couldn't blame the kicker for the 34-3 mess his team found itself in last week, Mora resorted to blaming Holmgren for leaving him the mess.
• 26 (23) Buffalo (28 proof, 1-3) Speaking of coaches...If the fumbling Dick Jauron somehow survives the season, he gets a leading role in "The Untouchables..."
• 27 (25) Detroit 27 proof, 1-3) Played six straight quarters of good football before becoming the Lions again.
• 28 (32) Cleveland (26 proof, 0-4) They didn't quit Sunday. That's the best we can say.
• 29 (31) Tampa Bay (25 proof, 0-4) Had the Redskins on the ropes, but those Washington guys are slippery.
• 30 (29) Oakland (20 proof, 1-3) Visit the No. 1 Giants Sunday. The spread is still rising.
• 31 (28) Kansas City (18 proof, 0-4) Hope is on the way. The Cowboys come to town.
  
• 32 (30) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-4) At least if Limbaugh buys the team something will go right.

(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.

Week 1 perspective served cold

Because we know you come here to "satisfy your appetite for attitude," each week the staff at the Grill Room will put together a Monday Menu featuring the finest opinion from the demons of deadline -- sports writers and columnists in every NFL city.

Our menu of choice cuts will offer you spicy perspective on Sunday's winning and losing teams.

If you want baloney and cheese, turn on ESPN and skedaddle. But if you're brave enough to read the writing on the wall, pull up a chair and dig in, while we crack open the morning paper.

In the Grill Room, we still love the newspaper business, even if it hates itself.

TODAY'S MENU:

(11) Atlanta 19
(21) Miami 7

• The Falcons are still flying high after winging their way into the playoffs a year ago.
• The smell of stinky fish littered the Georgia Dome Sunday. At least the bus left on time.
  

(18) Baltimore 38
(31) Kansas City 24

• QB Joe Flacco was Heaping praise Sunday on one of the Ravens most reliable veterans.
• The good, the bad, and the ugly: Kansas City was tough to figure after its roller-coaster loss to the Ravens.
  

(2) Philadelphia 38
(15) Carolina 10

• The Eagles were soaring on Sunday, until QB McNabb's injury brought them closer to earth.
• This Fox better get sly quick, if he wants to continue guarding his hen house.
  

(28) Denver 12
(17) Cincinnati 7

• The Broncos were shouting, "Amen!" Sunday after their prayers were answered in the final seconds
• The hapless Bengals topped even themselves with this beauty of a loss.
  

(8) Minnesota 34
(30) Cleveland 20

• The Vikings were playing Brian's song in their rout of the Browns on Sunday.
• Cleveland will tell you that Viking RB Adrian Peterson's performance was just sickening.
  

(23) N.Y. Jets 24
(12) Houston 7

• Rookie QM Mark Sanchez looked like a working Joe in his dandy debut.
• It's Ground Hog Day in Houston, where they've seen plenty of bad beginnings.
  

(6) Indianapolis 14
(25) Jacksonville 12

• Rookie coach Jim Caldwell proved Sunday he is the Colts' decider.
• Fact is, the Jaguars' one-man attack remains offensive.
  

(13) New Orleans 45
(32) Detroit 27

• QB Brees led his Saints to sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths...against the beleaguered Lion defense.
• QB Stafford shows all hope isn't lost, even if his new team just keeps losing.
  

(9) Dallas 34
(29) Tampa Bay 21

• Wonder Boy returns with some neat, new weapons.
• The Bucs have big problems, but quitting isn't one of them.
  

(20) San Francisco 20
(10) Arizona 16

• The 49ers showed they are prepared to be like Mike.
• San Francisco's play in the fourth quarter leaves Warner at the bottom of Hill.
  

(3) N.Y. Giants 23
(19) Washington 17

• Osi what the Giants have assembled on the defensive front.
• Haynesworth a 350-pound bust in opener.
  

(22) Seattle 28
(27) St. Louis 0

• Mora less, this guy's cool.
• Spags out to make his new team Ram-tough.
  

(16) Green Bay 21
(14) Chicago 15

• Packers expect more this year and get it.
• Cutler's (pictured) mouth is hard to Bear.
  

(*) Denotes the Grill Room's NFL 100-PROOF RANKING

(Associated Press photo)