Saints and Colts sipping success

As we head to the midpoint of the season, only two teams have proven themselves worthy of the Grill Room's best hooch.

But, my, aren't Indianapolis and New Orleans two very different customers!

The Saints? Well, they bust through the double-doors and act like they own the joint. Sure, this gregarious group takes some getting used to, and can get full-blown overbearing at times. Thing is, we notice nobody has the stones to throw down on 'em.
In fact, by night's end, people are actually buying THEM drinks! Did you see how generous those Dolphins were Sunday?!
Yeah, it's hard not to like these hard-drinking, hard-playing swashbucklers from Bourbon Street.

The Colts, on the other hand, are far more refined. They will politely engage the clientele in conversion, order a bottle of the good stuff, and tip like kings.
They always make the gentleman's play, and inevitably end up with the best-looking babes on their arms.
We also notice that after about 60 minutes with this good-lookin' crew, our lesser customers generally slink away from the bar feeling completely inadequate.

Yep, the Colts and Saints form quite the odd couple, but they are welcome in this joint anytime.

Prost, fellas!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1 (1) New Orleans (99 proof, 6-0) Water boy stomped off in a huff when Brees didn't throw him a TD pass for the second straight week.
  
• 2 (2) Indianapolis (97 proof, 6-0) This club is the reason a half-cocked sportswriter at some point was the first to call a team, 'a well-oiled machine.'
  

WORTH A SHOT

• 3 (7) Pittsburgh (87 proof, 5-2) When you have play-makers on both sides of the ball you can overcome the occasional sloppy play.
  
• 4 (3) Minnesota (86 proof, 6-1) It's clear Favre had every intention of staying healthy enough to face Green Bay on Sunday. Did you see his duck-and-cover routine on Pittsburgh's two defensive scores in the 4th quarter?!
  
• 5 (8) New England (85 proof, 5-2) Get to enjoy their third straight bye week at home.
• 6 (4) Denver (84 proof, 6-0) Dropped two places during their week off, because the more you consider this team, the more it makes no sense.
• 7 (10) Philadelphia (83 proof, 4-2) Toyed with the Redskins and can take charge of the division with a win over the stumbling Giants Sunday.
• 8 (11) Arizona (82 proof, 4-2) This team is learning to play some good, hard-nosed defense, but will have to run the ball better to get back to the promised land.
  
• 9 (9) Baltimore (81 proof, 3-3) Anybody doubt they will beat Denver Sunday?
• 10 (15) Cincinnati (79 proof, 5-2) What we said last week: We'll predict for no good reason at all that the Bengals will shut down Cutler and the Bears Sunday. Actually they humiliated them.
  
• 11 (5) Atlanta (78 proof, 4-2) For a team that looks so complete, they obviously have holes. But where are they?
• 12 (6) N.Y. Giants (77 proof, 5-2) When the Saints and Cardinals stood right next to them, they found out these guys weren't Giants at all.
• 13 (14) Houston (75 proof, 4-3) Now that they are finally above .500, will they be afraid of heights?
• 14 (17) Green Bay (73 proof, 4-2) Have you heard? Brett Favre returns Sunday.
• 15 (18) Dallas (71 proof, 4-2) So the 'Boys have a new receiver who is Miles batter than T.O. Let the hype begin!
  

WATERED DOWN

• 16 (19) San Diego (68 proof, 3-3) We said it last week and we'll say it again: What an annoying team.
• 17 (13) San Francisco (65 proof, 3-3) If they don't want to be humiliated, better play two solid halves of football this weekend at Indianapolis -- and start Smith in both of them.
  
• 18 (12) Chicago (62 proof, 3-3) Jay Cutler equals Jeff George.

CHEAP STUFF

• 19 (16) Miami (60 proof, 2-4) Had the wounded Saints right where they wanted them, and then took their foot off their throat. These ain't your daddy's Saints.
  
• 20 (20) N.Y. Jets (59 proof, 4-3) Let me get this straight: Coach Buddy's Boy weighs in at well over 600 pounds, and has a problem with Sanchez eating a hot dog?!
  
• 21 (21) Jacksonville (55 proof, 3-3) Coming off a bye to play 0-6 Titans, who also had a bye. If they aren't careful in Nashville Sunday, it could be bye-bye to the Jaguars this year.

ROT GUT

• 22 (23) Buffalo (49 proof, 3-4) Moving around these rot-gut teams is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Buffalo is sinking more slowly -- for now.
• 23 (23) Seattle (47 proof, 2-4) Head to Dallas Sunday, where they will get a chance to read the 671st story about Miles Austin.
  
• 24 (22) Carolina (43 proof, 2-4) The NFC's version of the Tennessee Titans.
  
• 25 (25) Kansas City (39 proof, 1-6) Kansas City Star columnist Jason Whitlock just dropped a 500-pound verb on top of Coach Haley.
• 26 (26) Oakland (37 proof, 2-4) That this team has somehow managed two wins is pure silver-and-black magic.
• 27 (27) Cleveland (30 proof, 1-6) Mangini should be lucky Whitlock doesn't cover his team.
• 28 (28) Tampa Bay (28 proof, 0-7) Look at their schedule and tell me where a win comes from.
  
• 29 (29) Detroit (27 proof, 1-5) Do you really think Detroit is going to let St. Louis come into their home and abuse them Sunday? Huh?! Do you?! Yeah, we're not sure either...
• 30 (30) Tennessee (22 proof, 0-6) Coach Fisher is back to wearing a Titans jersey so he can feel what it's like to be a loser again.
• 31 (31) Washington (19 proof, 2-5) Dan Snyder has consented to pay to get Jim Zorn's stiff upper lip repaired.
  
• 32 (32) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-7) A loss to Lions Sunday gives them a clear shot to become NFL's all-time worst team.

(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.

Eli says "I'm finished!" after crashing Jones' party

Conventional thinking got thrown for a loss around the NFL on Sunday when five of the top six teams in the Grill Room's NFL 100-PROOF RANKINGS went down in flames.

No matter, all that's true and blue about America still stands today after the N.Y. Football Giants went deep in the heart of Texas to christen Jerry Jones' billion-dollar death star by presenting him his fat head on a silver platter.

Giants' quarterback Eli Manning (330 yds, 2 TDs) got revenge against greedy oilmen for Eli's everywhere when he engineered a last-minute drive that resulted in Lawrence Tynes' game-winning, 37-yard FG as the clock expired.

After their 33-31 victory, the No. 3 Giants' were the only top team to survive an unpredictable day around the NFL.

With so much to chew on, we once again offer up platters of bountiful opinion from sports writers and columnists in every NFL city.

If you want baloney and cheese, turn on ESPN and skedaddle. But if you're brave enough to read the writing on the wall, pull up a chair and dig in, while we crack open the morning paper.

In the Grill Room, we still love the newspaper business, even if it hates itself.

TODAY'S MENU:

(3) N.Y. Giants 33
(9) Dallas 31

• Even Jones' billions can't buy a team that shoots straight...
• ...and the owner probably should choose his guests more wisely.
  

(16) N.Y. Jets 16
(4) New England 9

• Last week the Jets did the talking. On Sunday they did the walking -- all over the Patsies.
• The Patriots are what they are: in trouble.
  

(10) Atlanta 28
(25) Carolina 20

• The high-flying Falcons still have everything to prove -- to themselves.
• Panthers now counting consolation prizes, not wins.
  

(23) Cincinnati 31
(12) Green Bay 24

• Cincinnati took off the kid gloves Sunday, and played like a bunch of grown-ups.
• Maybe the Packers should push the panic button...if they can find it.

(26) Houston 34
(6) Tennessee 31

• A Texas-sized question: Who are these guys, anyway?
• Titans players bump into each other while trying escape that dark cloud.

(8) Minnesota 27
(32) Detroit 13

• Favre only too happy to hand the ball and spotlight to Peterson.
• Rookie Stafford only too happy to throw the ball to the opponent.

(18) Arizona 31
(20) Jacksonville 17

• The Cardinals felt the heat and frolicked in the Sunshine State.
• Local fans can be thankful they were left in the dark.

(11) New Orleans 48
(2) Philadelphia 22

• Saints' decision to play smart knocked Philly senseless.
• Don't put the blame on QB Kolb, as Eagle defense rests.

(24) Oakland 13
(29) Kansas City 10

• For Raiders, winning ugly sure beats the putrid losses of the past.
• Incompetent Chiefs' coach should fire himself.

(19) Washington 9
(31) St. Louis 7

• Zorn's allergy to the end zone could be a real career-killer.
• Rams' growing pains start in the brain.

(22) Buffalo 33
(28) Tampa Bay 20

• The Bills finally ordered up some home cooking and it only cost them a few Bucs.
• No telling where Tampa Bay might cash its first win.

(14) San Francisco 23
(17) Seattle 10

• San Francisco gets defensive with ID check.
• These birds continue to drop like flies.

(15) Chicago 17
(1) Pittsburgh 14

• This version of Cutler so much easier to Bear.
• Steelers kicking themselves after latest Chicago disaster.

(13) Baltimore 31
(5) San Diego 26

• The Ravens have a secondary concern after short-circuiting Bolts.
• San Diego pays the price for going in the red.

(21) Denver 27
(30) Cleveland 6

• Broncos' defensive line comes up big -- and short.
• Browns' demise is the story of a man named Brady.

(*) Denotes the Grill Room's NFL 100-PROOF RANKING
(Star-Telegram photo)

It's Pittsburgh with a Philly chaser

After clearing the joint last night, our bartenders knocked back the good hooch and set about putting together our inaugural NFL 100-PROOF RANKINGS.

Why bartenders, you ask? Because in all of your life, and all the people you've ever known, have any of them, even once, made more sense than a bartender?

Prost!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1) Pittsburgh (100 proof) The Grill Room subscribes to the thinking that the champ is the champ until proven otherwise. Plus, Pittsburgh runs the best organization in football.
• 2) Philadelphia (94 proof) This is a nasty team, and the controversial Vick signing signals that they are all-in this year for a title. Better be, because the window's closing fast.
• 3) N.Y. Giants (93 proof) Who does Eli Manning throw to? Otherwise, the best combined O- and D-lines in football keep the Giants in the hunt for the promised land.
• 4) New England (91 proof) Were No. 2 until dumping Seymour. Know Belichick's a genius and all, but hard to see how giving up your best defensive player makes any sense.
• 5) San Diego (90 proof) Despite coach Norv Turner, but because the Chargers are loaded on both sides of the ball. Need to stay away from Tequila, though.
  

WORTH A SHOT

• 6) Indianapolis (83 proof) Big falloff between No. 5 and 6, but Manning's still around, and the schedule is reasonable. Even catch their nemesis Patsies at home this year.
  
• 7) Tennessee (82 proof) Because Jeff Fisher is the GR's favorite coach. The dude gets every bit of talent out of his hard-nosed squad year in and year out. How long can Collins keep chucking it, though?
• 8) Minnesota (80 proof) We're buying this team's chances. All Favre has to do is make a couple of big plays each game and hand the ball to his magnificent RBs. The defense is mean.
  
• 9) Dallas (77 proof) You either like the Cowboys or you hate them. We hate them in the GR. Maybe in a year when nobody is licking their boots, the 'boys can step up and actually do something?
• 10) Arizona (74 proof) Because the GR subscribes to the thinking that the Super Bowl loser has to be in the Top 10 until proven otherwise. How long can Warner go on?
• 11) Atlanta (72 proof) Another squad we're buying. The Gonzalez pickup made too much sense. Coach Smith also seems to be the real deal.
  

WATERED DOWN

• 12) Houston (69 proof) If the season ended now, they'd be in the playoffs with this ranking. Schaub must somehow stay healthy, though.
• 13) New Orleans (68 proof) This team reminds us a lot of the Chargers in the 80s. All O and no D. But, dang, they got plenty of O, and the best QB in the conference.
• 14) Chicago (66 proof) The bouncers at the GR would run Cutler and his big mouth in a minute. Let's see what happens if he struggles early and has some real press to deal with.
• 15) Carolina (64 proof) Not sure why we are showing so little love for this squad. Call it bartender's instinct. Delhomme just seems finished to us.
• 16) Green Bay (62 proof) Suddenly every one's designer pick. If defensive wizard Dom Capers can work his magic with this defense, we'll get on board with the hype. Until and if...
• 17) Cincinnati (59 proof) Yeah, a bit of surprise but if QB Palmer's back and healthy, and if the 12th-ranked defense from a year ago keeps stepping up, this team could surprise. Shut up, Chad.

CHEAP STUFF

• 18) Baltimore (58 proof) LB Scott, gone. WR Mason, gone. D-Coach Ryan, gone. Playoff chances, gone.
• 19) Washington (56 proof) Too bad they play in the toughest division in football. Too bad Dan Snyder's their owner.
• 20) San Francisco (54 proof) We like Mike in the GR. Coach Singletary will have this squad playing hard...or else.
  

ROT GUT

• 21) Miami
• 22) Seattle
• 23) N.Y. Jets
• 24) Buffalo
• 25) Jacksonville
• 26) Oakland
• 27) St. Louis
• 28) Denver
• 29) Tampa Bay
• 30) Cleveland
• 31) Kansas City
• 32) Detroit