Maybe it's best you don't drink here

We try to run a respectable joint around here. Really.
But hold your nose and take a look at all the sorry teams that have stumbled toward the end of the NFL 100-proof rankings, and are already pulling on the rot gut this year.
For cripes sake, we count 11 of 'em!

Good golly, is Jeff Fisher's team really hanging with that gang? Is that John Fox's squad we see down there spilling all over itself? And isn't it a shame the younger Mora is taking after his under-achieving dad?
Hey, Wade, what are you doing down there?! Stay away from those boys, you'll get there soon enough.

Man, has there ever been this many down-and-outters drinking the loser's hooch so early in the season? Can anybody possibly make the case that any of these sorry suckers will pick themselves up off the floor and turn their fortunes around over the next three months?

Yeah...didn't think so.

Oh well, drink up, boys. It's gonna be a long season.

Prost!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1 (1) N.Y. Giants (99 proof, 4-0) These dudes are so reliable on the road they've ditched their AAA policy and that ridiculously expensive N.J. car insurance.
  
• 2 (3) New Orleans (96 proof, 4-0) Get a week off and await the No. 1 road warriors, in what will be the Game of the Year, Part I of the 2009 season.
• 3 (4) Indianapolis (95 proof, 4-0) OK, last week we mentioned that Peyton Manning is the best player in the NFL right now. Any questions?
• 4 (5) Minnesota (92 proof, 4-0) Forget Brett Favre for a minute, PLEASE! If Minnesota makes a deep run this year, it will do so on the heels of its nasty defense.
• 5 (8) New England (89 proof, 3-1) Like a good Scotch whiskey, this team perseveres.
• 6 (2) Baltimore (88 proof, 3-1) Didn't see anything Sunday against the Patsies that has us believing any less in this team. Ray Rice is running toward stardom.

WORTH A SHOT

• 7 (7) Philadelphia (85 proof, 2-1) Endured silly Week 4 bye laughing at rival Redskins as they almost choked against a Bucs team they will swallow whole on Sunday.
• 8 (9) San Francisco (84 proof, 3-1) Rams are still picking themselves up off the field, after this angry bunch took out their frustrations on St. Losers following tough loss to Vikes.
• 9 (16) Pittsburgh (82 proof, 2-2) OK, for the last time, we rank teams based on what they would do against another team on a neutral field. Think any squad below them beats the Steelers on that field? Didn't think so, Broncos fans.
• 10 (11) Atlanta (81 proof, 2-1) Spent bye week making sure their fillings were tight for game of the day Sunday against Iron Mike's 49ers.
• 11 (17) Denver (78 proof, 4-0) They aren't what their record says they are, but they are getting closer.
• 12 (12) Chicago (75 proof, 3-1) Had their hands full at home against Lions for one half, but did what good teams do in the second half and pulled away.
• 13 (6) N.Y. Jets (74 proof, 3-1) Sanchez might become a very good NFL QB, but he will be the reason Buddy boy's team doesn't go farther this year.
• 14 (13) Cincinnati (71 proof, 3-1) Cincinnati has never, ever been good enough to play with the fire they have been playing with this year. Call the burn unit.
  

WATERED DOWN

• 15 (10) San Diego (68 proof, 2-2) Norv is right, his team is overrated. And Norv knows overrated.
• 16 (21) Jacksonville (65 proof, 2-2) The Jaguars are one of the few teams on the rise. Too bad their fans could care less.
• 17 (22) Houston (62 proof, 2-2) Houston is one of many teams that takes an inconsistent approach to the season.

CHEAP STUFF

• 18 (14) Dallas (59 proof, 2-2) Jerry Jones is the owner. Wade Phillips is the coach. Tony Romo is the QB. Nah, this sinking team doesn't need a general manager...
  
• 19 (15) Green Bay (57 proof, 2-2) Yes, the offensive line is a complete embarrassment, but Rodgers holds the ball too long. What did all the 'experts' see in this team before the season?
• 20 (20) Arizona (54 proof, 1-2) Took the bye week to decide whether to just quit, relax and enjoy the sun, or play on.
• 21 (26) Miami (50 proof, 1-3) Season will be on the line when they host the Jets Monday night.

ROT GUT

• 22 (27) Washington (36 proof, 2-2) It's so bad at this end of the bar that you get credit for beating the Bucs at home by 3.
  
• 23 (24) Carolina (35 proof, 0-3) Took the bye week to give thanks that the Redskins come to town this Sunday.
• 24 (19) Tennessee (33 proof, 0-4) Who are these guys?
  
• 25 (18) Seattle (30 proof, 1-3) When he couldn't blame the kicker for the 34-3 mess his team found itself in last week, Mora resorted to blaming Holmgren for leaving him the mess.
• 26 (23) Buffalo (28 proof, 1-3) Speaking of coaches...If the fumbling Dick Jauron somehow survives the season, he gets a leading role in "The Untouchables..."
• 27 (25) Detroit 27 proof, 1-3) Played six straight quarters of good football before becoming the Lions again.
• 28 (32) Cleveland (26 proof, 0-4) They didn't quit Sunday. That's the best we can say.
• 29 (31) Tampa Bay (25 proof, 0-4) Had the Redskins on the ropes, but those Washington guys are slippery.
• 30 (29) Oakland (20 proof, 1-3) Visit the No. 1 Giants Sunday. The spread is still rising.
• 31 (28) Kansas City (18 proof, 0-4) Hope is on the way. The Cowboys come to town.
  
• 32 (30) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-4) At least if Limbaugh buys the team something will go right.

(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.

Does Michigan really deserve this?

Week 3 of the NFL season will kick off in less than 48 hours and we figure it's about time we got some answers in the Grill Room.

Answers to what? That's another question, sluggo. I said we're looking for answers around here.

Answers to stuff like...
Why does God hate Michigan?
Here's why we're asking: Because isn't it bad enough that Kid Rock calls the place home? What, a 15.6 percent unemployment rate isn't high enough that these poor people also have to watch their football team go on strike each Sunday?! If the Lions don't win at home against the impotent Redskins this weekend, they will become only the second team in NFL history to have lost at least 20 straight games. Then they'll have nothing between them and the 1976-77 Tampa Bay Yucks, who fumbled their way to a record 26 losses in a row. Good Michiganders all over the state will be dropping to their knees Sunday praying for one stinking win. And, if God forbid, they come up short yet again, they can least give thanks that many of them weren't forced to watch it.

Like...
Are Buddy boys' Jets for real?
Here's why we're asking: Because after watching 'em whack Tom Terrific's Patsies around Giants Stadium last week, the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets are almost deserving of a Stadium that bears their own name. A desperate Titans' squad will be throwing hay-makers when it shows up at the home of the Giants to play the Jets Sunday. If the Jets win this brawl, they get to call it Jiants Stadium for a week.

Like...
Will Jerry's 'Boys make the most of their do-over against Carolina Monday night?
Here's why we're asking: Because after dropping enough money to take the Michigan unemployment rate down by about 10 percent, the Cowboy owner stuck his rootin'-tootin' finger in his nose and looked on Sunday night as the hated Giants crashed his celebration for himself. Oh, yeah, and his team also lost the first game ever in their new palace. Jerry gets another chance for a Texas-size pat on the back Monday night when his pards take on the struggling Panthers. Note to Jerry: Bring Kleenex this time.

But enough with the questions.
Here's what else is on the Football Friday Menu in the Grill Room:

Take your pick
For informational purposes only...some picks for Week 3 action around the NFL brought to you by folks who most likely know as much about the game as you do:

ESPN
YAHOO!
CBS Sports
CNN/SI
NBC
SportingNews

College:
SportingNews
CBS Sports
NBC

This Week's Grill Room NFL 100-PROOF lock: Philadelphia over Kansas City minus-9.5
Who says anger isn't a great motivator? Well, we're angry as hell in the Grill Room and we're not going to take anymore.

We are completely fried about steering you toward the slop that passes for a football team in Washington last week. The No. 20 Deadskins crawled to nine frickin' points against the visiting No. 29 Rams. Nine! Congress gets more done than Jim Zorn's offense for crying out loud!

So we're sorry about that one, folks. And angry -- but not as angry as the No. 9 Eagles will be when they take the field at the Stink Sunday against No. 27 Kansas City.

The Iggles once-proud defense was absolutely shredded by The Saints "Most Offensive Show on Earth" last week, giving up 48 points! To put that in perspective, consider that you have to go all the way back to 1962, or before the owner of the Grill Room even had his first drink, for a poorer effort. And at least that squad gave up 49 to Vince Lombardi's vaunted Packers that day.

Lombardi's Packers-Sean Peyton's Saints equals Jumbo-shrimp.

It was that bad against the Saints...So it's a pretty good bet Kansas City is going to run into an angry flock of Eagles this week -- Donovan McNabb or no Donovan McNabb.
Sidebar: Michael Vick is expected to make his debut Sunday. Look for him in loads of cleanup action after the birds use anger as a tool to wallop the Chiefs.
Lay the points.

(Season record: 1-1)

Tape it up
Beware the injury, and there are plenty of 'em around the NFL as you'll see here.

The No. 1 Giants suffered a significant blow when they learned starting safety Kenny Phillips is done for the year with a knee injury. Phillips, an emerging star, picked off Tony Romo twice in the Giants' 33-31 victory over the 'Boys Sunday night.

TV Time
If you can't stop by the Grill Room, here's the college and pro football fare that's cooking on the tube this weekend:
(For our U.S. military viewers and their families overseas the games American Forces Network will be showing are in bold.)

COLLEGE:

Friday, Sept. 25
Missouri at Nevada, 9 p.m., ESPN

Saturday, Sept. 26
Michigan State at Wisconsin, Noon, ESPN
LSU at Mississippi State, SEC Network
Indiana at Michigan, Noon, ESPN2
Minnesota at Northwestern, Noon, Big Ten Network
Southern Miss at Kansas, Noon, FSN
South Florida at Florida State, Noon, ESPNU
Cornell at Yale, Noon, Versus
North Carolina at Georgia Tech, Noon, Raycom
San Diego State at Air Force, 2 p.m., Mtn.
Miami at Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., ABC
California at Oregon, 3:30 p.m., ABC
Illinois at Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC
Arkansas at Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS
UTEP at Texas, 3:30 p.m., FSN
Pittsburgh at North Carolina State, 3:30 p.m., ESPNU
Western Kentucky at Navy, 3:30 p.m., CBS CSN
Florida at Kentucky, 6 p.m., ESPN2
Colorado State at BYU, 6 p.m., Mtn.
Arizona State at Georgia, 7 p.m., ESPNU
Arizona at Oregon State, 7:30 p.m., Versus
Louisville at Utah, 7:30 p.m., CBS CSN
Iowa at Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC
Notre Dame at Purdue, 8 p.m., ESPN
Texas Tech at Houston, 9:15 p.m., ESPN2
New Mexico State at New Mexico, 10 p.m., Mtn.
Washington State at USC, 10:15 p.m. FSN

NFL:

Sunday, Sept. 27
Cleveland at Baltimore 1 p.m., CBS
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati 1 p.m., CBS
Washington at Detroit 1 p.m., FOX
Jacksonville at Houston 1 p.m., CBS
San Francisco at Minnesota 1 p.m., FOX
Atlanta at New England 1 p.m., FOX
Kansas City at Philadelphia 1 p.m., CBS
Green Bay at St. Louis 1 p.m., FOX
N.Y. Giants at Tampa Bay 1 p.m., FOX
Tennessee at N.Y. Jets 1 p.m., CBS
New Orleans at Buffalo 4:05 p.m., FOX
Chicago at Seattle 4:05 p.m., FOX
Denver at Oakland 4:15 p.m., CBS (jip)
Miami at San Diego 4:15 p.m., CBS
Indianapolis at Arizona 8:20 p.m., NBC

Monday, Sept. 28
Carolina at Dallas 8:30 p.m., ESPN
(All times EST)

Eli says "I'm finished!" after crashing Jones' party

Conventional thinking got thrown for a loss around the NFL on Sunday when five of the top six teams in the Grill Room's NFL 100-PROOF RANKINGS went down in flames.

No matter, all that's true and blue about America still stands today after the N.Y. Football Giants went deep in the heart of Texas to christen Jerry Jones' billion-dollar death star by presenting him his fat head on a silver platter.

Giants' quarterback Eli Manning (330 yds, 2 TDs) got revenge against greedy oilmen for Eli's everywhere when he engineered a last-minute drive that resulted in Lawrence Tynes' game-winning, 37-yard FG as the clock expired.

After their 33-31 victory, the No. 3 Giants' were the only top team to survive an unpredictable day around the NFL.

With so much to chew on, we once again offer up platters of bountiful opinion from sports writers and columnists in every NFL city.

If you want baloney and cheese, turn on ESPN and skedaddle. But if you're brave enough to read the writing on the wall, pull up a chair and dig in, while we crack open the morning paper.

In the Grill Room, we still love the newspaper business, even if it hates itself.

TODAY'S MENU:

(3) N.Y. Giants 33
(9) Dallas 31

• Even Jones' billions can't buy a team that shoots straight...
• ...and the owner probably should choose his guests more wisely.
  

(16) N.Y. Jets 16
(4) New England 9

• Last week the Jets did the talking. On Sunday they did the walking -- all over the Patsies.
• The Patriots are what they are: in trouble.
  

(10) Atlanta 28
(25) Carolina 20

• The high-flying Falcons still have everything to prove -- to themselves.
• Panthers now counting consolation prizes, not wins.
  

(23) Cincinnati 31
(12) Green Bay 24

• Cincinnati took off the kid gloves Sunday, and played like a bunch of grown-ups.
• Maybe the Packers should push the panic button...if they can find it.

(26) Houston 34
(6) Tennessee 31

• A Texas-sized question: Who are these guys, anyway?
• Titans players bump into each other while trying escape that dark cloud.

(8) Minnesota 27
(32) Detroit 13

• Favre only too happy to hand the ball and spotlight to Peterson.
• Rookie Stafford only too happy to throw the ball to the opponent.

(18) Arizona 31
(20) Jacksonville 17

• The Cardinals felt the heat and frolicked in the Sunshine State.
• Local fans can be thankful they were left in the dark.

(11) New Orleans 48
(2) Philadelphia 22

• Saints' decision to play smart knocked Philly senseless.
• Don't put the blame on QB Kolb, as Eagle defense rests.

(24) Oakland 13
(29) Kansas City 10

• For Raiders, winning ugly sure beats the putrid losses of the past.
• Incompetent Chiefs' coach should fire himself.

(19) Washington 9
(31) St. Louis 7

• Zorn's allergy to the end zone could be a real career-killer.
• Rams' growing pains start in the brain.

(22) Buffalo 33
(28) Tampa Bay 20

• The Bills finally ordered up some home cooking and it only cost them a few Bucs.
• No telling where Tampa Bay might cash its first win.

(14) San Francisco 23
(17) Seattle 10

• San Francisco gets defensive with ID check.
• These birds continue to drop like flies.

(15) Chicago 17
(1) Pittsburgh 14

• This version of Cutler so much easier to Bear.
• Steelers kicking themselves after latest Chicago disaster.

(13) Baltimore 31
(5) San Diego 26

• The Ravens have a secondary concern after short-circuiting Bolts.
• San Diego pays the price for going in the red.

(21) Denver 27
(30) Cleveland 6

• Broncos' defensive line comes up big -- and short.
• Browns' demise is the story of a man named Brady.

(*) Denotes the Grill Room's NFL 100-PROOF RANKING
(Star-Telegram photo)

The NFL's dark secret...

If you are looking for further signs of the unraveling economy it's probably best not to visit an NFL stadium this year. If you are looking at another reason to hate Jerry Jones and his Dallas Cowboys, you'll want to peek at this release from Team Marketing Report .

According to this excellent piece of work by TMR, the average price for an NFL ticket rose 3.9 percent this year to $74.99 a docket.

TMR attributed most of the overall increase to Jones soaking his Texan pards in order to pay for the $1.2 billion amusement park he built for Tony Romo this year. You know, the place where the scoreboard is too low?

The average price of a Dallas seat this year grew to a whopping $159.65, or more than double the average cost of a ticket league wide.

"How 'bout them Cowboys!"

Even without the Cowboys' ridiculous increase, TMR reports the average ticket price still would have risen across the league by 0.6 percent.
Granted, that's pretty negligible, but given the state of the economy it seems hard to justify raising prices on just about anything, doesn't it?

And before you hit me with the, "they are only charging what the economy will bear," bull, I direct you to this black cloud on the horizon.

Commissioner Roger Goodell said last week that as much as 20 percent of the NFL's games could be blacked out in home teams' local markets this year. Twenty percent!
Why?
It's the economy, stupid -- the very economy that argues against the ridiculous prices being charged around stadiums this year for seats and all manner of items.

Under NFL rules, a game must be sold out at least 72 hours in advance to be televised in the home team's local market. According to a story on Washingtonpost.com, only nine of 256 regular season games were blacked out in home-team markets last season. If Goodell's worst-case estimates are right, we're talking about 50 or so games going black to the fan base in some NFL cities this year.

Things are alleged to be especially dire in San Diego and Jacksonville, Fla., two cities hit especially hard by the down economy.

Goodell seemed to be looking backward, not forward, when he said this about the deteriorating situation: "(The) blackout policy has been in place for several decades, and it's been a very good thing for the fans and for the teams."

And it gets more bizarre...

In its eye-opening survey, TMR also put together something called the Fan Cost Index.
The FCI figures what four average-price tickets, two small draft beers, four small soft drinks, four regular-size hot dogs, one parking spot, two game programs, and two of the least-expensive, adult-size adjustable caps would cost a family of four.

In Dallas those items would run, get this, $758.58!!
Seriously, in what America does "America's Team" reside?

By contrast, the same stuff would cost you a league-low $303.96 in Buffalo.

TMR didn't break out a Best Bang For Your Buck Index, which would put a value on those items against the actual performance of the team.
Had they put together a BBFYBI, a portion of it might have looked something like this:

• Tennessee was the winningest team in the NFL last season, but rank way down the FCI list at No. 27, with an average price of $356.79. On the other hand, Kansas City won all of two games last year, and four the year before, but still managed to rank 8th in the FCI, with a price of $445.76.
• Arizona treated its fans to a Super Bowl appearance last year, but rank 25th in the FCI, with an average price of $364.38. Then you have the N.Y. Jets, who haven't even seen a Super Bowl in 40 years, yet charge their fans $476.26, good for 6th on the list.
• Dallas, which hasn't won a playoff game in over a decade is an overwhelming No. 1 in the FCI, with that ridiculous $758.58 figure, while Carolina has won five playoff games and played in the Super Bowl over that same period, yet charges its fans 'only' $330.67.
  

The NFL has enjoyed a fat-and-happy ascent to the top of the American sporting landscape over the past couple of decades, but will anybody be able to see it, if it falls?