Maybe it's best you don't drink here

We try to run a respectable joint around here. Really.
But hold your nose and take a look at all the sorry teams that have stumbled toward the end of the NFL 100-proof rankings, and are already pulling on the rot gut this year.
For cripes sake, we count 11 of 'em!

Good golly, is Jeff Fisher's team really hanging with that gang? Is that John Fox's squad we see down there spilling all over itself? And isn't it a shame the younger Mora is taking after his under-achieving dad?
Hey, Wade, what are you doing down there?! Stay away from those boys, you'll get there soon enough.

Man, has there ever been this many down-and-outters drinking the loser's hooch so early in the season? Can anybody possibly make the case that any of these sorry suckers will pick themselves up off the floor and turn their fortunes around over the next three months?

Yeah...didn't think so.

Oh well, drink up, boys. It's gonna be a long season.

Prost!

THE STRONG STUFF

• 1 (1) N.Y. Giants (99 proof, 4-0) These dudes are so reliable on the road they've ditched their AAA policy and that ridiculously expensive N.J. car insurance.
  
• 2 (3) New Orleans (96 proof, 4-0) Get a week off and await the No. 1 road warriors, in what will be the Game of the Year, Part I of the 2009 season.
• 3 (4) Indianapolis (95 proof, 4-0) OK, last week we mentioned that Peyton Manning is the best player in the NFL right now. Any questions?
• 4 (5) Minnesota (92 proof, 4-0) Forget Brett Favre for a minute, PLEASE! If Minnesota makes a deep run this year, it will do so on the heels of its nasty defense.
• 5 (8) New England (89 proof, 3-1) Like a good Scotch whiskey, this team perseveres.
• 6 (2) Baltimore (88 proof, 3-1) Didn't see anything Sunday against the Patsies that has us believing any less in this team. Ray Rice is running toward stardom.

WORTH A SHOT

• 7 (7) Philadelphia (85 proof, 2-1) Endured silly Week 4 bye laughing at rival Redskins as they almost choked against a Bucs team they will swallow whole on Sunday.
• 8 (9) San Francisco (84 proof, 3-1) Rams are still picking themselves up off the field, after this angry bunch took out their frustrations on St. Losers following tough loss to Vikes.
• 9 (16) Pittsburgh (82 proof, 2-2) OK, for the last time, we rank teams based on what they would do against another team on a neutral field. Think any squad below them beats the Steelers on that field? Didn't think so, Broncos fans.
• 10 (11) Atlanta (81 proof, 2-1) Spent bye week making sure their fillings were tight for game of the day Sunday against Iron Mike's 49ers.
• 11 (17) Denver (78 proof, 4-0) They aren't what their record says they are, but they are getting closer.
• 12 (12) Chicago (75 proof, 3-1) Had their hands full at home against Lions for one half, but did what good teams do in the second half and pulled away.
• 13 (6) N.Y. Jets (74 proof, 3-1) Sanchez might become a very good NFL QB, but he will be the reason Buddy boy's team doesn't go farther this year.
• 14 (13) Cincinnati (71 proof, 3-1) Cincinnati has never, ever been good enough to play with the fire they have been playing with this year. Call the burn unit.
  

WATERED DOWN

• 15 (10) San Diego (68 proof, 2-2) Norv is right, his team is overrated. And Norv knows overrated.
• 16 (21) Jacksonville (65 proof, 2-2) The Jaguars are one of the few teams on the rise. Too bad their fans could care less.
• 17 (22) Houston (62 proof, 2-2) Houston is one of many teams that takes an inconsistent approach to the season.

CHEAP STUFF

• 18 (14) Dallas (59 proof, 2-2) Jerry Jones is the owner. Wade Phillips is the coach. Tony Romo is the QB. Nah, this sinking team doesn't need a general manager...
  
• 19 (15) Green Bay (57 proof, 2-2) Yes, the offensive line is a complete embarrassment, but Rodgers holds the ball too long. What did all the 'experts' see in this team before the season?
• 20 (20) Arizona (54 proof, 1-2) Took the bye week to decide whether to just quit, relax and enjoy the sun, or play on.
• 21 (26) Miami (50 proof, 1-3) Season will be on the line when they host the Jets Monday night.

ROT GUT

• 22 (27) Washington (36 proof, 2-2) It's so bad at this end of the bar that you get credit for beating the Bucs at home by 3.
  
• 23 (24) Carolina (35 proof, 0-3) Took the bye week to give thanks that the Redskins come to town this Sunday.
• 24 (19) Tennessee (33 proof, 0-4) Who are these guys?
  
• 25 (18) Seattle (30 proof, 1-3) When he couldn't blame the kicker for the 34-3 mess his team found itself in last week, Mora resorted to blaming Holmgren for leaving him the mess.
• 26 (23) Buffalo (28 proof, 1-3) Speaking of coaches...If the fumbling Dick Jauron somehow survives the season, he gets a leading role in "The Untouchables..."
• 27 (25) Detroit 27 proof, 1-3) Played six straight quarters of good football before becoming the Lions again.
• 28 (32) Cleveland (26 proof, 0-4) They didn't quit Sunday. That's the best we can say.
• 29 (31) Tampa Bay (25 proof, 0-4) Had the Redskins on the ropes, but those Washington guys are slippery.
• 30 (29) Oakland (20 proof, 1-3) Visit the No. 1 Giants Sunday. The spread is still rising.
• 31 (28) Kansas City (18 proof, 0-4) Hope is on the way. The Cowboys come to town.
  
• 32 (30) St. Louis (15 proof, 0-4) At least if Limbaugh buys the team something will go right.

(*) -- denotes last week's ranking.